by Dina Samir

A revolution of a country, a revolution that starts within a person first. It is about concurring fear. I vividly recall  January 24, making phone calls with friends to arrange for Jan 25 protests; things to do; shall we take our mobile phones with us or not? Shall we drive to a protest location or take the unground metro? I remember the feeling of fear being challenged by frustration, anger, and zeal. In 2011, it was the first time to shed tears for the country. For the first time I had dreams on Egypt, politics. In fact, nightmares.

Amidst the sense of pride and the revolutionary euphoria, I realized my cowardice.  I cannot join the frontlines. When the police was showering protestors with tear gas, I could only flee. Those who were on the front lines, the physicians who were at the heart of the battles, and those who flocked into Tahrir to help protestors against the police or army brutality are the real heroes. Each one of them has taught me a lesson of love. Love that is selfless. Love that is capable of pouring life into others. Love that sees the future and faith in a dead presence of a country. The youth who led the revolution have lived the worst years of Egypt’s recent history, nothing like the glorious days they studied in history books. Egypt has been giving them its worse. Yet, they managed to believe in it. They managed to love the country that has forsaken them. This kind of love makes miracles, it revives hope.

Following the later waves of the revolution from abroad was heartbreaking. Is it a bless or a curse to be physically distanced  from what is happening in Egypt? I am not sure, but it is definitely emotionally painful and perplexing. Here I am walking in that beautiful street, green trees on the sides, fresh grass smells in the air, birds chirping, but I find myself detached from this beautiful reality and I feel I want to be somewhere else. Somewhere that is way less beautiful, or maybe beautiful in a different way.

This has stirred many questions. What is “home” (watan)? Is it the place someone lives or born in or is it the place he/she chooses to associate him/herself with? Is the watan something that exists outside us or it  lives within us? It is physical or metaphysical?

Revolutionary Lessons
by Ekram Ibrahim

As I button up my thoughts on 2011, I find no better teacher to both my thoughts and actions, than January 25thRevolution.
This vivid experience has elaborated to me on the distinction between a rebel and a revolutionary. The rebel acts out of anger, disappointment and resentment, yet not in the name of a principle. The revolutionary is the one who says “No” in the name of a conviction or value. This became vividly clear through the disappearance of many “rebels” after the fall of Mubarak. The commitment to continue with the battle for one year or more requires a revolutionary, someone who pursues a cause greater than their own personal resentment.
Moreover, the difficulties which revolutionaries have been facing since the revolution began are rich lessons to show that, “hell of hardships pave the road to paradise.” As the good attempts to wipe out the evil peacefully, the evil fights brutally to prevent the good from prospering.

My teacher has also taught me that fear is nothing but chains imprisoning my mind and my soul. For the most part, fear results from authoritative ideas we are fed in schools and through media consumption. During my revolutionary journey, there were times when soldiers firing live ammunition or thugs holding knives surrounded me. That did not take my life from me. I can be in the midst of a war and survive to become a stronger soul.
Fear extended from physical safety to mental liberation. The ability to criticize the political messages brought by political leaders and being able to voice my opinion on the misdeeds and the violations of the Supreme Council of Armed Forces (SCAF) has empowered revolutionaries so much. Many people now have the courage to stand before dictators and corrupted figures in their lives and bluntly say “no.”
Not only that, but I have also learnt not to ever judge people by their looks again. Although this seems like an old lesson, the novelty lies in the experience. Through this revolution many females including me have dealt with some of the simplest people whom we have never dealt with so close before. Some lacked both money and literacy, but they had the dignity, the courage and the will. Late November, not less than 50 Egyptians died in a battle with both military and police forces. Most, if not all of those people who sacrificed their lives, were those simple people, who went to the frontline of the battle.

This first year of the revolution has also proved to be the best school proving my favorite quote of the American author, Dan Millman, “the journey is what brings us happiness not the destination.” During Egyptians were torn between expectations, accomplishments and disappointment; the political scene is so tense. In spite of the hardships we went through, I really enjoyed the journey of the revolution despite of the fact that I know that we have not reached our destination yet.
The revolution has left me feeling utterly grateful for being a journalist. Following the teachings of the great leader, Mahatma Ghandi , “the single aim of journalism is the service of truth,” now I cherish even more the importance of witnessing events and reporting them honestly in times of despair, while many still frame them according to their interests.

More is to learn!

1- FRIENDSHIP: is that thing that we could not live with, yet really hard to find.

by Dina Samir

I learned from the Bible that, “whatever a man sows, that shall he also reap,” and I learned from life that you can sow love and reap indifference. In 2011, I faced some harshness from whom I considered good friends; I felt that the time and efforts I exerted with some people went unnoticed. It was hard finding friends not caring to say good bye when I was moving from Egypt to the States. But, the hardness I felt was mixed with feelings of normality. Have not I once fully grasped that, “human beings fail? ” Rule of thumb!

However, I refuse to regret any efforts and love poured, because I believe it is what you give, not what you take, defines you. Also, I remind myself with the many people I disappointed and hurt, my shortcomings!

In 2011 my best friend has given me a good lesson about what love is all about, acceptance. There is a song that says, “They say I am crazy, but you say I am golden.” My friend saw in me purity and gold while I could only see ugliness and rust. Her love was liberating, her acceptance was restorative. When you experience this unconditional love, you feel that life is worth living. You realize that true friendship is about that priceless friend that makes life possible.

Moving to the U.S. gave me the chance to talk to people I share nothing in common with. Yet, as we talk, and open up, we deeply connect. And I come to personally gather human beings’ ability to bond, just as human beings. Put aside religion, ethnicity, age, color, just a soul connecting with another. Fear, love, and aspirations uniting. I cherish what “humanity” really is.

Friends: as naked as couples ought to be

by Ekram Ibrahim

During 2011, I have experienced the harshest feelings of my entire life. I lost faith in everything around. The only thing left for were my best friends, the diamonds of my life. They have taught me to believe in myself during times when no one else did. They were there to remind me of my values during times of despair.

One of my biggest challenges during 2011 was to “remember” that I was fighting for “justice, love and authenticity.” The road to authenticity is very challenging to the people around you, especially if they were not on the same page. Your road of authenticity provokes the insecurities and the unresolved issues in them, thus they project those insecurities back on you. Your independence is twisted to failure, your humble attitude is twisted to acting and your persistence could also be twisted to evil strength!

Accordingly, I needed to learn not to internalize the harsh words my “opponents” used to stone me with. My friends used to work as the perfect doctor who gets inside the patient’s body and extracts the poisoned body before spreads all over.

For me friends are those people whom I can talk with freely, people who know my biggest fears, my greatest sins and my scattered thoughts. Friends are those people who never judge me. My friends are so unique in that they believe in humanity, they could be vulnerable, they don’t need to act before me; they are as naked as the best couples ought to be.

Not only this, but with them I spend the most authentic moments of my life. When we are together, I laugh in the middle of depression, I have hope in the middle of despair and I feel strong during my weakest times.

Interesting to mention that my friends are very diverse like I am. The majority of them have never met each other, yet we share similar values and have so many common challenges in our journey.

Friends can be the best cure to the worst disease.

I know deep inside that you have created human race for a reason.

I know deep inside that you are peaceful and loving.

It is through you that I have learnt my values.

But, I dont understand why life is so harsh.

I dont understand why innocent people are killed.

I dont understand why the blood of the poor seems so cheap.

I am skeptical that we live in the world of power and money.

So, why do we have to hold on to your values then?

To save our  place in that thing called heaven?

I dont buy this!

Or may be because it feels good to feel righteous?

Am afraid this feeling is just a morphine.

To be honest, the only thing that is worth it is:

The faith in you as the ultimate guardian.

The faith that you have a plan for us.

The faith in you as the best shoulder to cry on.

But, we are suffering, crying and dying.

We need to understand before it is too late.

Is it about you or us?!

Many now are losing faith.

Many others are choosing to be fanatics.

The situation is hectic and crazy.

I have nothing left to hold on to.

I marched towards Tahrir in the early morning to find a couple of thousands there. But, unlike other times, this couple of thousands did not engage into so many never ending debates on the current political situation in Egypt, they seemed more united. The square was full of Egyptians, neither political parties nor religious groups were spotted in the square, a valid explanation for why they were not fighting as usual. I walked towards Mohamed Mahmoud street (the street where the old campus of the American University in Cairo is located) to find other couple of hundreds in constant clashes with the security forces. The security forces continued on throwing tear gases on the revolutionaries, while peaceful revolutionaries continued chanting against the Supreme Council of Armed Forces, Field Marshal Hussien Tantawi, in addition to the interior ministry. Tear gas was so intense, the moment you smell it, it burns your eyes, your nose and makes you feel light headed. Everyone is agreeing that it is much stronger than that used during the eighteen days of the Egyptian revolution. (The difference between both is that the ones used during the revolution were expired, while those are not) I could not help but feel that I was in a war zone between police and citizens, the police have their weapons and the people coming with their will. Protesters as well kept on drumming on the metal banners in the street so heavily to keep an alarming sound in the area most of the time. I have tried to stay near the clashes area till the tear gases have left me drained. So I got back to Tahrir Square which was safe at that time and people were moving around and standing waiting for the unknown.

All of a sudden, a chunk of the military soldiers got in Tahrir Square with so many sticks and kept on beating the people leaving at least hundreds injured and three dead. The military officers were boiling with anger, they were very violent with the people, I wonder what their leaders have told them to put them in this state of mind. They stayed for less than an hour and left. During that time, many people have ran towards other streets near Tahrir Square for protection, but unfortunately, SCF were watering them with tear gases every where as they go. As people were trying to run away, others were encouraging them to stay, cause they know that running away means losing the battle. As usual, people were more angry with the army forces than with SCF cause deep inside some have some hope in them, but the military forces are becoming more violent in each and every time. As the military forces left, revolutionaries have took their way back to the square to see the bodies of their counterparts being held by ambulances, unfortunately already dead. Knowing that fact renews the will of the people and make them even more ready to die. Each extra hour meant additional number of people getting into the square. Egyptians never accept violence and brutality which the SCAF is currently mastering.

I see the scene is pretty close to the early days of the Egyptian revolution, I know this time it would much more violent, more people will lose their lives, yet am pretty sure that the will of the people is much stronger than the current regime as well.

The revolution is ongoing!

The presence of a smile on my face does not mean my heart is joyful.

My morning greetings don’t necessary mean that am welcoming a new day.

My silence never meant my acceptance!

If silence should mean anything, then it might be a trail of surrender.

It might be an act of a coward … an act of a helpless …or an act of pain.

Pain creatively builds chains that imprison my soul for a lifetime.

Pain steals light and let only darkness faces my gazing eyes.

Pain holds no respect for either youth or hope.

Pain is the enemy of faith.

Faith dissolves as it faces consistent acts of hatred.

The lack of love is and will always be a valid answer for my inaction.

Inaction brought to me by the god of fear.

Fear to trust… while trust may be the ultimate connection to the world.

The inhabitants of the world play their best to turn trust into a monster.

The more I trust in people the more they hurt and abuse me.

No wonder why I chose silence as my new custom.

A custom to wear for as long as I am bleeding from pain, distrusts and lack of love.

Am currently in the process of thesis writing. So far it is not a big deal. I know am making it up. I feel resistance towards dedication and commitment. I feel I wanna write and read about anything rather than what is related to my thesis topic. But anyways am doing my best to concentrate. Please wish me good luck. I will be doing about an interesting topic, that would be beneficial to many of us. Media framing and agenda setting of the Egyptian revolution in the Egyptian press. Agenda setting and framing of news are widely used. I think that no government and no media outlet (no matter how professional it seems) who dont frame the news and put it in certain context.

Well, since the topic would be interesting to newspapers’ readers, please  wish me luck!

So much pain in my chest

Pain that makes me wonder,

How long my heart will be able to survive?

Pain that makes me imagine, myself

dragged on a hospital bed late at night

Everyone is panicking but me

Am silent and watching

Watching the people I thought are my family

Watching the  people I pay in order to get cured

And watching the self which has always claimed,

Strength and courage

The self that claimed that death is not a monster

Then, as i imagine the darkness attributed  with death

I regret each time I left pain to parasite in my heart

I regret each time I give the chance to someone to hurt me

And, I regret the cruelty of myself

A cruelty out of which suffered my dearest souls

Between watching, regretting, feeling guilty and self pitying

Shined a new me, one that is ready to surrender

Both to illness and death

A new me that recognizes that life is a state of being

A being to which external forces are but accessories

A being which survives free of any conditions

Then, suddenly I smiled to my dad and said

“I’m fine and will always be!”

But murmured to myself and said:

I have chosen to be friend with pain as long as I’m here

I was true to my love

I was true to my friends

I was true to my reader

I have really tried to be

True to the whole world

But none was true to me

Does that imply that life is untrue?

Is there ever something called truth in this life?

Or truth is a vague word?

May truth lies only in the mind of philosophers

May truth lies in the hearts of lovers

May truth lies in the eyes of young children

But never in real life

After spending my life searching for it

I feel it does not exist

It lies solely in the soul of its seeker

Reaching this doomed conclusion of no ultimate truth

Equates death with life

How can I taste a fake life?

Why would I fight for irrelevant values?

I have dreamt to be a warrior

But the reality has soften my sword

I have dreamt to be a lover

But men have broken my heart

I have dreamt to be a daughter

But non-acceptance has killed my innocence

I have even dreamt to be a journalist

But the news making have killed my genuine thoughts

I think I will stop here

And, let the curtains fall

Let death prevails

To end this exhausting journey of mine

Clouds which resemble reaching the highest dream, hosted me for a couple of minutes today while staring on them from the window of a plane.

While hanging in the air, watching the clouds from above, one of the questions hunted my mind: why we always dream of staying on a cloud with a loved one or with the company of ourselves?

Is it  because the clouds are the place where we see the world from above? Thus, it is when we realize that we are just a tiny particle in the universe. We are neither important nor special as we like to think and our problems that constantly occupies our minds are even smaller than a particle in this world. So may be being above, can give us hope? Cause it is never the  end of the world?

Or are we waiting to lay on the clouds to feel superior? To feel we are above the whole world? “We are better than others” .. that feeling we are addicted to!

Or I can also imagine, that it is because we dont see the details of life which r our double weapon. Those details are both the source of happiness and suffering combined together. As we come closer to the details we might be able to enjoy life a big time and we might be also faced with the hidden dark sides, that makes us suffer.

But from my experience today of hanging above the clouds, i could say:

Nature is a bless, nature is so unique, it heals the soul.

Being above the clouds, seeing nothing but natural white tender clouds, cant help but purifies the soul.

I loved being there and still hold my dream of laying one day on a cloud. But I dont have to give reasons for my desire.

Enough with philosophy! I just want it to happen!