في الليل حيث الكل نيام
سالت قلبي من اين لك كل هذه القصوة؟
هل هي مني؟
ام هي منهم؟
من علمك ان الوحدة اكثر حنا من الصحبة؟
من علمك الا تباري لما يقولون؟
لم يكن هذا حالك اثناء طفولتي
كنت بريئ محب ودود
كنت تحب الناس اكثر مني
تركتني كثيرا وحدي
تركت الشوق يأكلني
حينها كنا نتودد لهم، في كل ليلة
فلا احد يسمع
لا احد يجيب
الان انا وانت
وحيدان
اخترنا الوحدة
هل الوحدة اختيار؟
ام اجبار؟
ام قدر؟
سالت كل صديق
فلا مجيب
ولا مستمع
الكل مشغول بغنوته
غنوته وحده
وهكذا انا
مشغولة بها
ولا اسمع سواها
It seems to me that i have met you before i was born
It seems also that you know parts of me i am not yet aware of
It might seem that i am illusional and it is okay
cause love is delusional
Love helps us get by everyday
Love is pain
Love is jealousy
Love is agony
Also love is hope
Love is commitment
Love is desire
And above all, love is the fear of feeling lonely
It seems to them that I have followed the rules of love from first sight
It seems also that I have conformed with institutionalized love
It might seem to some that our marriage is perfect
But the reality is that it is just an escape
Marriage is an escape from individuality
Marriage stating that: hey! I am one of you guys
On our wedding night;
“One of us!” “One of us” chanted the crowd
And my heart wept for letting go of the fire inside both us
In seeing you everyday, water turned off our fire
Each time you paid for me, the authenticity of our love lost one of its petals
A petal after the other, until our flower disappeared
Children are the answer to a fading love
I insisted on having three children
Giving birth to each child I was proving to the world that I have you
While my heart knew you have already gone
Each night your eyes wander
Each morning you rush into the door
Each afternoon I wonder what is love, what is sharing and who are you
Between the expectations, the fear, the settling
I know I have lost you
And here we are seen as the perfect couple who surrendered to institution of love
The institution has killed our love, same way it has managed then has killed humanity
My bags are always packed
My heart is always semi open
No one is allowed to get so close
I kiss my own wounds
I prepare my own meals
I speak to my own self
I have build a life were moving on is a default state
My soul yearns for love
My heart fears love
Everyone has proved inadequacy
I stand on my own two feet
I embrace the dark each night
I share my story with my keyboard
I have followed the independence guide
My mind curses both relationships and their absence
My days are what I call “busy”
My future plan is crafted in my journal and on my walls
There is no enough space for close companions
I take myself to places she desires
I dance under the full moon
I laugh with friends at a world full of lies
I have fell in love with the independence game
My independence is from the whole world
My independence is me being my sole provider
My independence is a state of fear
I am afraid of opening a heart that knows how to love
I am afraid of feeling wounds buried before I was born
I am afraid to say I am a human and I yearn to belong
I have chosen a life where the individual is praised
My individuality is attractive
My individuality is sharp
My individuality is my new shield
Everyone knows me but know one does
I write to be felt, but I make sure my filters are on
And then I wonder why people don’t understand
My theories, my dreams, my filters, my glasses have served me
Currently checking their expiry date
I might edit them, might edit myself or just extend the date
It is my life and my life is my game
Today I celebrate one year living in downtown Vancouver, Canada after I have moved from Cairo, Egypt right from my parents’ house. I moved here with huge dreams, so many expectations and very few fears. I have spent almost all my life dreaming of experiencing how life would look in a foreign country. Traveling as a tourist every now and then has never full filed my thirst, but rather intensified it.
This year has been a very rich experience; an experience that has changed me for life.
Here are the lessons that I can grasp in words, many others remain subtle in my body and i am still processing them. I pray that I will be able to share them on another day.
On humanity:
1- There are beautiful souls everywhere in the world.
2- Nationality is never a criteria in deciding on the manners of people.
3- If you love people from your heart, they will know it and will love you back.
4- When you go on the road, the road will always provide you with the right people to help you in the right time.
5- People are people everywhere. Humans for the most cases share similar issues, fears and challenges.
6- Almost all the people on earth suffer from; i am not enough, i am not doing enough syndrome.
7- Humanity is suffering hell of a lot of pain, many depend on drugs, alcohol, relationships or food to suppress the pain. No matter if you live in a first or a third world country, you will witness people suffering.
8- There is a place on earth where everyone is fit and thin; this place is Vancouver.
On the individual level:
9- There is nothing called, “i am by myself,” “i have no one” even if you live in a place thousands of miles away from your family and friends, you can create new family, friends and colleagues. Just be open to love others and to ask for help.
10- Put Mr. Ego aside and ask for help when you need it, don’t be attached to results, if one person refused to help you, another might do and if non did, your journey doing that thing by yourself would help you more.
11- You copy cat many of the habits/beliefs/fear of your family, even if you live miles away from them.
12- There is always a room for growth, change and healing in ones life.
13- Everything that is happening outside us, is just a mirror of what is happening inside us.
14. When the student is ready the teacher appears.
15- The feeling of loneliness is a mirror of lack of self love. When I started loving myself, I have found myself cancelling many plans to be with me.
16- Talking from my heart is much more valuable than talking from my mind. Balancing both is a mastery of communication.
On self care
17- Mediation, exercise and journaling are not tools to use when stressed but are life long habits to have a grounded and a healthy one.
18-When the body talks, listen and obey. So if your body says I am tired, allow space to relax and to sleep. Allow some “doing nothing time.”
19- “You are what you eat” if i eat crap, my skin, my mood and my body will look crap. And vice versa.
20- Cooking can be enjoyable, creative and intimate.
21- Home cooked food is far more delicious and is healthier than dinning out.
22- Being busy is a personal choice. I have created a very busy life for myself to avoid my own company at the beginning.
23- The lack of creativity is the fear of commmiting mistakes.
On relationships:
24-I am responsible for being single. Egyptian men are not the reason behind that.
25-People all around the world are struggling with relationships and commitment.
26-Everyone is projecting their single status or their dysfunctional relationship either on their partner or on the opposite sex in general.
27-Social media/technology are playing a big part in shaping our relationships.
28-Most people nowadays would rather text than talk.
29-The classic story is relevant everywhere; men think they should be able to make money to attract a woman and women think they should be skinny/beautiful to attract man.
P.S.You had to read 29 lessons only cause I came to Vancouver when I was 29 years old which happened to be on July 29, 2013.
At the beginning of the journey, I was confused.
I started feeling unsure of many things in our lives. Do i really love this job? How about those parents, i spent almost all my youth with them? How about that guy, we have been “in love” with each other for a couple of years now? He doesn’t seem a representation of anything i like anymore. And my friends, OMG! even my friends, i having difficulty explaining to them the battlefield in my mind. What is friendship all about? We spend nice time together, we gossip about him and her.. but this not fulfilling anymore.
What happened to me? Am i going crazy? what is wrong with me?
The only person left to share with is this keyboard and this screen. The people away from me understand me better than those whom i see everyday. i should stop these crazy ideas in my head. They will take me nowhere.
Confusion brought unruled behaviour
I didn’t know what to do anymore. One night i go out with my boyfriend, we have good time, another day i break my toe to avoid meeting up with him. My parents are a hopeless case, no communication is working. I have read this book on effective communication, yet they always think i am the reason behind all the troubles we have home. I rarely get back home anyways. Now all i am left with are my friends. Last night i went to this coffee shop where we always meet, i ordered a cup of green tea. I sat there silent for a long while, until someone started picking on me. My head wandered around. I have no clue what i was thinking.
Unruled behaviours brought failures
I started showing up as flaky and unpredictable. It was hard to me to predict myself as well. Some days i go to work and perform well, cause i am good at what i do. It is only that i don’t enjoy it anymore. While on others, i don’t show up and when i show up i am kinda useless. Same with my patterns and behaviours. As if the battle in my mind has created two of me. Or i can call it a new me and the new me is still finding its way in the middle of the old me. After one year, i quit my job. I stopped going out with my old friends. I have made some new virtual ones. (That is why i think i am crazy, i replaced people i have grown up with, with others whom i have never met before, we have common ideas though). And the list goes on and on.. i lost a lot and still i am losing..
Failures brought pain
The failures, the losses and the people i have to let go of left me more miserable. I felt like I have to let go of someone or something each week. People vanished as the parts of the old me started to vanish. All that was left is my longing to wisdom and well as the pain accumulated in my body..
And from here the journey begins..
It is a journey of healing and self discovery..
Say you love me
Not cause I doubt
But cause I care
You sooth my soul
You heal my heart
You give me hope
Each time you say
“I love you”
Say you love me
Not as form of submission
But as an announcement of strength
Love grows in the hearts of those who dare
Love smiles in the eyes of those who kiss
Love invites us to grow
Say you love me
Not as an invitation to the mystic
But as an invitation to dance
We dance like the sun and the moon
We hug like two beans in a pod
Say you love me
Not as a forever promise
But cause I am scared to say it
My tissues absorb your scent like a thirsty sponge
My angels leave me to watch over you
Say you love me
Not cause I am worth it
But cause you have surrendered to my charm
Through surrender we touch life
Through surrender we taste pleasure
Say you love me
Cause I am a woman
And I want heart it now
Your ego has killed our love
Yourself and my innocence
Your ego has sent me on a plane far away
Your ego wakes me up whenever I think love is possible
Your ego has sometimes been your charm
But most of the time been my alarm
Your ego is strong, dark and loud
You think it is severing you, but it leaves you alone everyday
Your ego mastered lying and manipulation
Your ego played chess with my heart
Your ego provided me with illusionary safety
Your ego frightened me most of the time
Your ego is your weapon
A weapon guarding your empire
Now you got the empire, but nothing else
Now you are searching to bring life back to it
But it is too late
I can never trust egoistic love ever again
It is hard, it is painful, it is my journey
Sometimes I wish it was easier
Many times I pray I was someone else
But I end up with me and journey
Since that moment I started, it never ended
Change became my only constant
Letting go became the new theme
I found myself being asked to let go of one thing after another
They say pray to experience heaven, attach to nothing
Very easily said…exceptionally challenging task
During each night, I pray to smile with the new sun
I smile for a while, till I realize there is a new thing to let go of
A piece of me dies everyday and each time I attempt to let go
The old self has to die for the pure self to emerge
I thought I am pure, I thought it will take me a year or two to get there
But there turned out to be here
There is happening right now
All my life I have been resisting
I have only been trying to avoid what is
If there is anything I regret, it is resisting what is
For what else I have except what is here
I am tired of constantly chasing what is not here
I am tired of constantly rebelling on who is here
I wish I was able to express my love for who is here
The more I love, the more I resist
The more I love, the more I fear
And I run away
I ran away from all the people I loved
I ran away thinking I am protecting my heart
I thought that by being the queen of my life, I will be free
I thought I will be in control
I craved control and I am still craving it
But the more I crave control
The more I realize that I have no control
I am just another symphony played by the hands of God
I am just a new song, a new lyrics and a new piece of art
I thought I am the world, but I realized that the world is laughing at me
I am just another tree leaf moving by the wind
I did my best to conquer the wind
I practiced anger, rebelling and love too
I took all roads, read many books and studied different cultures
I have even memorized the Art of War
And this turned out to be my only sin
Holding a sword instead of a heart
With my sword I fought with the wind
With my sword I fought with fate
And with my sword I fought with love
As a result, I lost my peace
I lost my compassion
I lost many of my beloved
Now, My heart is bleeding
My soul is wounded
And I am seeking forgiveness
Forgiveness from the wind
Forgiveness from the fate
And forgiveness from the people I love
And the journey will never start until I forgive myself
Until I set myself free from my expectations and judgments
I have no clew if this even possible
I just said it; the journey is challenging
I wish it were easier
My Words ! 